Truly nothing can prepare a mother for what is to come. I had dreams and aspirations that did not include being a mother, at least not for a very long time. The only worries I had were my grades. I would go out and watch bands perform or hang out with friends from college, all of which feels so foreign now.
Dallas and I went to see you in a 3D ultrasound around 20 weeks and that first glance of you was so surreal. "She has your nose" Dallas said as they did the ultrasound. After that I told my family I was expecting. They all said they knew because I had gained so much weight! Once everyone knew it all began to get a little more exciting, a little more real. I always knew your name would be Margot. I listened to a band called Margot and the Nuclear So & Sos. You and I actually recently listened to one of their songs, Paper Kitten Nightmare, you call that your song because you like cats. Not everyone was on board with the name. Now no one can think of a better name for a beautiful little girl like you.
I spent most of my pregnancy focused on finishing school and once I did I began converting my office into your nursery. I painted the room pink and found vintage floral wall paper to do one wall. I sewed your crib bedding and made your room as cute as I possibly could. Dallas's mother ordered you a four pelt sheepskin rug from Iceland. Your room was beautiful! I was so proud of all the work. I remember preparing for your baby shower, how everything had to be perfect; Sitting in front of my fire place super late at night making flowers for the head band making station. I made gift bags for every guest that included paper white bulbs that would bloom around the time you were expected to be delivered.
I would go to my prenatal visits and hear how you were going to be small. I was really tiny back then and they wanted me to gain more weight. The day before I was due I had an appointment and they gave me a membrane sweep. The rest of that day I just felt odd. Around 11 that night I went into labor. When we got to the hospital I was dilated 5 cm. I was determined not to get a epidural and went from 11 that night until around 10 the following morning without one. I was handling the worst of the worst contractions fine, until you rolled over and I went into "back labor". I screamed with each contraction to the point where they had to ask me to calm down. I eventually got an epidural and was able to relax the rest of the delivery as I became more dilated. Around 12 you were ready to come out. I pushed for two hours. You were under a lot of stress and I was exhausted and on oxygen. The doctor finally came in and gave me an episiotomy and out you came! He just kind of threw you on my chest and everything I ever knew suddenly changed.
I never knew what love was until I held you for the first time. I never knew true purpose until you gave it to me. You are my first daughter, and you taught me everything I know about being a mother. I am so grateful for you.
After you were delivered I just held your tiny body in my arms and sobbed. Nothing can prepare you for that love. I loved you with every ounce of my being, and I still do today. You were perfect. You were holding your head up as soon as you were born. Such a strong little girl. You were 7 lbs even. You had such a cute chubby body. I called you my little piglet.
I think about that moment you made me a mother all of the time. Everything I knew about life had changed. It isn't something you will understand until you become a parent yourself. I was suddenly responsible for you. You were dependent on me. Throughout the years your love for me grew and grew. There is nothing more special than that.
The hardest part of being a mother is the constant fear. I worry about your future. I worry about your current well being. I get up at night to check on you. I worry that you would forget me if I died. I worry that you wouldn't have my love to surround you if something happened to me. I want nothing but happiness for you. I want to build you up to be the best person you can possibly be. I just adore you and I will never feel nothing but love for you.
When you started school you had trouble listening to the teachers and had to start doing time out and you asked me if I still loved you even when you are bad. That question broke my heart. I love you always. You are never bad, just learning how to act civilized after being spoiled for the past 6 years. Nothing will ever stop me from loving you and I wish you could feel how much I love you.
I am skipping ahead to year 5 at the moment just because I do not know what all I could think to say about the previous years that wasn't summed up above.
Your 5th birthday party was the first you had since we moved down to South Carolina. So many people came to celebrate your big day. This year was a big year of transitioning for you too. We were suddenly asking you to do things like a big girl that we would usually just do for you. There was so much to be excited for, school starting in the fall being the biggest. Chris and I both cried at the thought of you going to school. We had gotten so used to you being home with us all of the time that the thought of this house being quiet and empty broke our hearts.
Your kindergarten teachers were named Mrs. Bryant and Mrs. Lyle. You had a class full of girls and maybe 3 boys. You started saying things like "girls only" about everything. You had a lot of trouble adjusting to school. You were getting in trouble a lot and I would have to come pick you up. You were excelling at your school work though. So smart. Near the end of the year you actually got suspended for yelling in class. Mrs. Bryant retired that year and we joked a little that you led her to her retirement. We also joked about how all the teachers know you. Literally everyone knows your name just because you had made such a first impression that school year. You made a few good friends, Gracie and Ella were maybe your closest.
We had started you in dance this year too to get you ready for school. I really thought you would protest, at least a little, that first day we dropped you off but no, you walked right in! This was the first time in such a long time that Chris and I had been without you. We didn't know what to do with ourselves and I sat and waited to get a phone call that you needed me or something. The first dance performance you did was wonderful. They had you at the very end of the line because you didn't do the dance at all, you did your own thing the entire time. We all laughed so much. Your second dance performance was right after you turned 6 and you were so good I could have cried. Nana, Grandpa, Lane, Matt, Grandpaw Jerry and Grandmaw Deb were all there and were all so impressed by you.
You really grew so much this year. I almost forget you needing to be pushed on the swing or not being able to read. I forget all the times you needed us to play with you as you have become so independent. You were Chris's girl for a while too. He taught you how to play a lot of video games. You always wanted to do things with just him. For a little while you would say "mommy margot, not chris" and now it's all Chris all of the time. I am okay with it though because I know you do love me. You still cuddle and hug me and need me from time to time.
For your 6th birthday we went to Disney. Really it was for our honeymoon after getting married, but Chris and I wanted to include you in that honeymoon too. We spent a week in Florida and shared a house with Nana, Grandpaw, Lane, Mandy, Uncle Carl and Peyton. You weren't afraid of any of the big rides! There was a few things you were too small for and you got so upset over it. When we did the star wars Rise of the Resistance you pulled out your light saber even! We thought it was to protect us from the bad guy but really you wanted to show him that you had the same light saber! We had a really great time. When we got home we threw a small party for your birthday here where you could invite friends. I had a small petting zoo come out for it and set up our little pool. You and your friends had a great time!
Your teacher this year is Mrs. Lopez. She is great. She really took the time to make you like school and this year has been so much better than last. You spend most of your afternoons playing Roblox. You can read and write and have great stories to tell. When we take long drives you talk to us pretty much the entire way. You have blossomed into a whole person. I switched you to a new dance school this year and you are doing ballet. You look so beautiful doing it. You want to do the "click clack class" too. (Tap Dance). We tried you in "Ninja school" but you're still a bit of a sore loser. You were really good at it though the few weeks you were in it, but if you ever lost any of the games they played you would cry.
Chris and I are always so proud of you. You play well with others and are going to be a great big sister. When we went to Charleston to visit with Aunt Beth you were so good with your cousin Archer. When you found out I was pregnant you were so excited. You said "I love you more now mommy". You take care of me too when I need it which is so sweet. Sometimes my back will hurt and you will run up and rub it. The other day you told me you were going to help me with Fiona until I know what I am doing. Such a tiny sweet heart.
Your favorite food is still chocolate. You like Nutella and the Lindt Truffles the best. You do enjoy eating veggies though which I am so thankful for. You like black eyes peas and cucumbers. You have started eating chicken tenders and things like fish sticks. Before you would make me take the breading off of things like that, but now you eat them! You really like chicken fries from Burger King.
You love lanky box and playing Roblox. Sometimes you play games where you want me to be your baby or your husband or your mom. Sometimes you make us twins. You listen to a song called flowers in Brookhaven and just sit and dance while we play. Everything you do is so cute.
You have recently began saying you want to be a teacher when you grow up. A 1st grade teacher. One who is nice and fun and not mean. Probably one like your current teacher. You are getting so independent. Chris came up with an idea that if you dress yourself in the morning you can have free iPad time before school and yesterday you dressed yourself! When you get out of the car every morning for school you walk to my window and make a heart and blow me two kisses. I love that so much. You are so outgoing and happy and goofy. Every day when you get off the bus I take your book bag and put it in the car and you run to walk home with the big kids in the neighborhood. They all know your name but you don’t know any of theirs. Every day I drive slowly behind you to make sure you get home safe. You’re always singing and skipping the whole walk home. You’re such a ray of sunshine in our lives. In everyone’s life really. You make a lasting impression everywhere you go and that’s so special. You can make a friend anywhere!
You are finally a big sister. You were so nervous when you first met Fiona. I think you were afraid of seeing me in the hospital all hooked up on the machines. You had Nana call me and facetime with you after you left the hospital to promise you I wasn't going to die. The next day before you came to visit you made sure to wear your special big sister shirt that Gigi had bought you. You have been such a sweet and attentive big sister. I was so afraid you would get jealous of all the attention Fiona needs, but no, you are always there to give her attention. The only thing you don't like is when she cries, especially when we are in the car! You two will have each other forever. Always take care of your baby sister.
Where has all this time gone? It feels like it was just yesterday that I was holding your tiny little baby hands and now you are a big girl! Your birthday just passed and we had a foam machine. You always make sure that you are center of attention. I have been doing more youtube videos of you and you are blossoming into quite the content creator. You are unique and wild. Some of your school friends sent gifts home with you for your birthday from school. The day before your birthday I told you how quickly this time had passed for me. I told you it wouldn't be long before you were a teenager, then driving, then graduating college, then moving into a home of your own, unless you want to live with us forever. You said "I will live with you, but I need my own house. I'm going to buy a white mansion and it will have a birthday party room with a disco ball and 1000 people will live there with me." I told you 1000 people were too many and you said "okay, then 9." You went on to say you would visit me twice during the summer so I don't miss you. Oh watching you grow. So bitter sweet. I can't wait to see you explore this world and make your own way in life, but I will always mourn the stages you grow out of. May 9, 2023
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